When you have escaped from a relationship that was difficult, you may see yourself as a victim. There’s a difference between the actual fact of being a victim (which you were), and the attitude of victimhood. Townsend says, “It’s a common response to a bad relationship, but it won’t get you to the healthier connections you are looking for.” There are three tendencies to watch out for (and this really resonated with me—I have found myself feeling each of these):
- An attitude of global helplessness—If you hear yourself saying (or thinking), “I had no choice,” or “He made me do it,” that is taking a victim attitude. Townsend says, “Sometimes the line between trust and control is blurred, and you allow their perceptions to determine your choices.” You almost always have choices. The problem may be to choose the one that is least unappealing; but saying that you don’t have choices leaves you feeling powerless, helpless.
For many years, I felt as if I had no choice—or I said that to myself, at least. Today, I call that what it was—fear. I didn’t think I could make it on my own. God says, “Fear not!” many, many times in the Bible. Paul says, in 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” - Focus on the bad other—Seeing everything through the lens of how hurtful the other person was. Townsend calls it, “a season of protest” and “agreeing with the truth of the experience.” While this season of protest is necessary for healing, some people let it become a permanent position. It takes up too much of our energy and attention and prevents any growth on our side. And from another Townsend book: “We have a tendency to extend beyond a season of protest to an identity of protest. Start being defined by what we’re against, rather than what we’re for.”
After the first couple of years of separation, I was talking to a group of friends, and I remember seeing at one point how I turned almost every statement into a “John” protest statement. It suddenly felt to me as if I were being a whiny child. My friends were very patient with me! I try to catch this tendency in myself now. (There’s a similar sort of trap, “If only he were…” In another Townsend and Cloud book, they say, “But that isn’t who he is. You can’t look at “if only.” Your job is to decide the type of husband [boyfriend/friend, and so forth] that you really want/need; and his job is to decide if he wants to be that type of person.) - Moral superiority—Even if it was “90-100% the other person’s fault,” Townsend says that feeling as if you are morally superior prevents growth of current relationships. It inhibits personal growth because growth requires humility. On a deeper level, we are all sinners and judging one another is not where God wants us to be. I definitely fell into this trap as well—and still do. I have to remember this quote from another Townsend book: “Remember that the person is broken in ways you would not wish on your worst enemy, much less on someone you care about.”
- Forgive and be forgiven—Forgive the person who hurt you. Which brings up another thought, a friend once told me (I think she was quoting from a Townsend and Cloud book), “Forgiveness does not mean trusting, nor does it equate to reconciling, with that person. It does not mean that we need to continue exposing ourselves to unsafe people. Rather, forgiveness is about relinquishing a debt that someone owes us in the past.” Jan Silvous said it this way, “There’s a difference between giving the benefit of the doubt, forgiving, and becoming [or remaining as] a scapegoat.” Note that forgiving also includes you forgiving yourself for allowing the things you allowed. On a larger scale, simply be open to God telling you that you make mistakes daily, and be willing to learn and grow.
- Be proactive—Take initiative. Figure out what you want, set goals, and make plans. This tends to negate any feelings of helplessness and powerlessness.
- Move from “should have” to “what’s real”—Focusing on what should have happened keeps victims stuck. Change the “what happened” plus “what should have happened” to “This is what happened and this is how I will look for growth in myself to achieve the desired outcome.”