Invisible
I stand alone in a crowd.
Impossible
To voice my thoughts out loud
Pretending
To be a lampstand or a coat tree,
Avoiding
The people around me
Feeling
Unfeeling
Like a larva without wings
Like a bird who cannot sing
Like a seal stranded on the beach.
Stranded,
An island unto myself
(with apologies to Donne)
Is truly what I am--
Alone--
At least, I think I am
Until, reading, I see that I am not
As alone as I feared.
Not
That I would wish this unfeelingness
On my worst enemy,
Much less my friends, my family.
Afraid
That people are getting tired
Of hearing my problems day by day
Of hearing
Whining little me
Of boring
Them impossibly.
Pretending
That their love isn’t real
Their connection
Is not how they really feel
That they
Aren’t really hearing me
That our friendships
Aren’t as good as they could be
Don’t mean as much to them
Don’t mean as much to me,
Discounting
The hours they’ve spent helping me.
Feeling
That I am a big girl now
Should be able
To stay on my own somehow,
Others do it,
So I say,
Stop crying,
Pull up my big-girl pants now
I can do it,
I can do it all on my own somehow.
Telling myself
That I am truly alone
Unwilling
To acknowledge God is on His throne
That with Him by my side,
I am not alone.
…
Emerging,
I stumble out of the night,
Wings expanding
Pulsing in the glorious light
The bird has learned to sing.
The seal is afloat again,
Swift, smooth, strong in its natural element
The larva emerges from the cocoon
A caterpillar no longer.
Stronger
For struggling my way out;
Staying longer
To help others in the battle
Knowing
My voice is there
And people care to hear;
I have only to be myself--
I have only to be myself.
When I am pretending
To be a lampstand or a coat tree
They know--
They KNOW I am not being me
Knowing
If I don’t love myself,
The me I am,
How can anyone else love me?
If I don’t trust my feelings,
How can anyone trust me?
To loose my voice,
To speak my piece
To stay with love
With every bit of me
To be
The me that God wants me to be.
That’s what He really wants,
Not soldiers marching to a single beat
But people
Being who they were meant to be
Being free to be
Who they were meant to be
Loving--
Living and smiling and laughing joyfully
And using the talents He gave me
In a way that helps others as He wanted me to do
Seeing me as myself
The me that God wants me to be.