It’s useless.
I thought--
I felt--
I was--
Useless.
The quiet overcame me.
Me—normally quiet as a mouse.
Me--who enjoys the quiet to think,
Who yearns for quiet solitude to think,
To pray, to ponder, to write.
I walk,
I think,
I pray,
I ponder,
In the quiet of the day.
But at night,
In the quiet of the night,
The demons come out
Of their hiding places--
The places I still allow them in the edges of my mind.
The recordings in my head that tell me I’m not doing it right.
The places that tell me I can’t possibly do it right.
That I’m wrong.
That I’m not thinking the right way
Or doing the right thing
Or feeling the right feelings--
That I’m not a loving daughter, sister, mother
That I have no love for anyone inside of me.
That no love exists inside of me.
The demons play at the edge of my mind
And trample on the newly fledged feelings,
Still so tender and soft and gentle,
And dirty them up.
Sully them with their dirty fingers and feet
Like a clean towel, freshly laundered,
Trampled on and wiped carelessly across the dirt.
Who are you to feel anything?
Who are you to think you are doing the right thing?
Who are you to think you know?
You can’t love anyone,
You’re not a good mother,
…You’re not a good mother.
……You’re not a good mother.
The laughing, taunting echoes
Echo inside my head.
You never loved anyone anyway…
… You never loved anyone anyway…
……. You never loved anyone anyway…
And nobody could ever love you!
The tears come finally,
Falling silently
Burning trails of sorrow down my face
Branding shame along my cheeks
Burning overflowing in my eyes.
Sobs shaking me,
Shaking my heart,
As the demons tell me
That even God couldn’t love me.
That ESPECIALLY God couldn’t love me.
Why can’t I get rid of them, Lord?
What do I need to do to shake them?
I know You love me.
I know You have made me for good, not for evil.
I know You have plans for me.
I know You see even the sparrow that falls…
Know every hair on my head…
Love me even when I don’t love You…
I pray.
I pray.
I pray.
And somewhere in the quiet,
Somewhere in my heart
The prayer hits my heart
And You sing over me
I hear You singing over me
In my heart
And hope returns,
Flooding through
The chambers of my heart.
Zephaniah 3:17 [ESV] The Lord your God is in your midst,
a mighty one who will save;
he will rejoice over you with gladness;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing.