And not by accident—that could happen to anyone; nobody is exempt. But arrested, whipped, jeered at. Humiliated.
And then the cross. Only the worst of the criminals end up there.
So yeah, I was afraid. Afraid that someone would come for me too. After all, everyone knew I was one of his closest friends! One of his followers from the beginning!
You know, it didn’t mean much to me, all this talk about loving your neighbor. But he made me feel, I don’t know, listened to? I don’t usually go in for this touchy-feely stuff, you know. But he made me feel like it would be all right if I did.
So, loving your neighbor? Not so much. But being willing to take a hit for a friend? I could do that. At least, I thought I could.
I fell asleep, you know. He needed someone to sit and pray, and I fell asleep. Didn’t listen. Didn’t hear him. But, somehow, like in a dream, I knew he was praying aloud. He was weeping. That man could weep, and nobody thought the less of him for doing it. He didn’t seem weak, somehow, even if he was crying. But, “Thy will be done, Abba,” like God was, I don’t know, maybe a real dad who would listen to his kids and play football with his son and pretend to eat mud pies his little girl was baking for her dollies. Who would care if they were hurt.
And then the soldiers. And that hateful Judas guy. I never trusted him, you know? But Jesus, he trusted him with the money, for gosh sakes! And soldiers with swords.
I fought for him, you know? Cut a guy’s ear right off. And then, he, my friend Jesus, took that ear and put it back on. Really! Couldn’t tell where I’d cut it off with my own sword.
But now…I don’t know what came over me. I was just…scared. Nothing I could do to stop it. And I couldn’t bring myself to say, “Yes, I’m his friend.”
Afraid. A big guy like me.
Afraid of being laughed at. At being jeered at. “Well, he’s not much now, is he?” Of being thrown in jail. Of being whipped, just on general principles. Not that I’ve done anything wrong, you know.
Not that he had, either. This man is one of the most honorable, Jewish people I have ever known. He doesn’t break the law just because it’s there, the way some people do.
I said I didn’t know him. What kind of a friend am I? I said, “Oh, no, I’m not with them!” and then, I said it again! Each time, the lie grew and grew. And I felt like I had swallowed a stone.
I was afraid. Afraid nobody would buy my fish. Afraid I’d end up losing my boat, my house. My wife, my kids. Afraid my associates would …stop associating.
And so I left him. Left him to save my own skin. Left him in harm’s way.
And cried, a grown man! Bawled my eyes out after. He was right. I didn’t stay with him until the end.
Beware, you who boast of your strength.