"We must own and take responsibility for what is ours, and that includes our disappointment in not getting everything we want from another person. The disappointment that comes from our loved ones exercising their freedom is our responsibility. ... This is true even when others’ freedom leads them to sin against us. The pain we feel is not our fault, but it is our responsibility to deal with. ...If we don’t, we will stay stuck in a blame position, powerless against their sin. This “victim” mentality keeps people stuck in pain.....Going through the appropriate blaming stage is needed. Part of the forgiveness process is to call sin, sin. We must confess how we have been sinned against to forgive. However, after an appropriate period of blame, we must begin to take responsibility for the mess that someone else’s sin has left us in."--Cloud, Henry (2009-05). Changes That Heal (pp. 144-148).
Just as I have a right to change, others in my life have the right not to change. This was a new thought for me. I can't expect them to change, just because I want them to. In fact, my pushing them to change is as bad as their pushing me not to change. Even if they are not meeting an actual need of mine (as opposed to a want), that is their right.
This is really about looking at the reality of a situation, rather than the way we want it to be. Really looking at a person the way he or she is, rather than the way we want him or her to be. As Chris Fabry said in Every Waking Moment, "What I’m calling you to do is to see reality. Not how things might be or could be, but how they are. This is the baseline we work from. And when you embrace that, not requiring change but accepting where you are, where she is, then wonderful things can happen. Your heart can rest. You won’t feel guilty about what you’ve done or haven’t done. You can simply love her.”--Fabry, Chris (2013-08-16). Every Waking Moment (p. 6).
So if someone decides not to change, I cannot blame that person. I don’t need to blame him any more for not changing, because I understand that is his right. I can accept him for who he is and who he chooses to be. I can stop judging and trying to put my expectations on that person. I can forgive that person for indulging in the behaviors that have hurt my life.
But accepting someone for who he chooses to be does not mean continuing to accept the effects of that person's behavior on my life. I have the right to decide what I am going to do to mitigate those effects. (Not what he should do, but what I am going to do.) In fact, not only do I have that right, I have the responsibility to do that!
I can feel disappointed, sad, or angry that a person chooses not to change, because those are my feelings. And that is my right to feel that way. My feelings are what they are. I can communicate those feelings appropriately, not blaming or shaming. Allowing myself to feel those feelings enables me to start to put them aside later on.
I can decide that the effects on my life are so harmful that I cannot live with them. I can decide that I cannot communicate with that person, or cannot live with that person. That is my right.
A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again. (Proverbs 19:19, NIV)
“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." (Luke 6:37, NIV)