©L.F. Haynie, 12/13/2015
Angry feelings
Lying on the floor
Like loose dust
Swept under the rug
Unseen, but still there;
Unseen, but still an irritant to my nose
Like unshed tears trying to escape
And finally making me cry--
Angry feelings making me cry.
Angry feelings sparking angry words
Nasty, cutting words
That I would never say to anyone else,
Nasty, little “serve him right” thoughts
That darken my day
Like dust swept under the rug far too long
Must finally come boiling back out.
Finally, after years,
Of unshed tears
and squashed-down hurts
And long-fed fears,
Of dealing with insecurity--
Mine and his--
His always first,
Never room for mine--
Finally, I can say,
That I am angry.
Looking at the anger,
I can smell the fear underneath
I can hear the guilt in my voice
That hidden guilt that says,
Maybe he’s right,
Maybe I’m wrong,
Maybe I’ve been wrong
All along.
The part of me that’s always nice--
The part of me I like to be--
Says maybe
I just want to make him know
That there is no hope for us
Not anymore,
Never.
But still…
I know that I don’t want to be
Mean with anger,
Bullying with words with anger,
Unjust with anger,
Unrighteous with my anger…
I don’t want to be the person I’m being
When I’m with him.
Maybe part of it--
I don’t know how much--
Maybe there’s some small bit of
Revenge.
Tit for tat.
Mirroring what was done
By him
To helpless, hopeless me.
But I don’t want to do that,
Because then I stoop to his level,
I play his game,
I remold myself into him--
No, not that, never that.
I am ME.
Helpless no more,
Hopeless no more,
Unable no more,
Speechless no more,
Fearful no more,
Doormat no more!
Never, ever again!
I am ME.
O God, if I’m wrong,
Show me, tell me,
Make me see why and how,
Don’t leave me in this darkness alone…
With the dust swept under the rug.