Loudly in my mind,
Overriding the timid voice
Of commonsense
And even the louder voice of truth--
I cannot hear the truth over the fear.
Fear speaks
In the loud and threatening tones that twist my gut
And throw my thoughts back into the familiar rut
Where they go round and round like a hamster,
Always stopping at the same place,
Where fear has my face.
How do I speak through such fear?
The words twist around and around,
Over and over, in my mind.
What can I say
That will not be misunderstood,
Taken awry,
Pounced on like a giant cat at play
With a mouse--
And dissected and twisted cruelly
Into something never meant
Or worse yet, dismissed utterly as nonsense
Fear has my tongue tied into little knots
With little fearful thoughts twisted around each one.
How do I speak the truth?
I cannot speak it through fear--
Fear blinds me to the truth,
Fear makes truth disappear
Or camouflages it
So that it looks like something else
In my mind at least
The truth stands like a ravening beast
Ready to pounce if I say one syllable out of place
Or show the fear writ large on my face…
I cannot hear the truth--
Fear stops my ears
Through the beating of my drums,
Through the pounding of my heart,
I cannot hear one word of truth
When I listen in fear.
Fear won’t let me see
What fear is doing to me--
It makes me a shadow of myself
For I, and I alone,
Cannot conquer this huge, ominous
Lump of fear rising in my throat.
No, like the knights of eld,
I need a band of strong friends,
Hale and hearty—or not so much
Frail and fearful themselves, more like.
Who have walked past the beast
And come out alive.
And yet, and yet
The Lord says, “Fear not,
For I, the Lord, am with you always.”
The words suddenly sound in my mind,
A soft, loving tone, yet full of confidence and unafraid,
As the fear tosses and turns in my heart
And the big beast falters,
The lump shrinks back in fear itself
The lies show up clearly, undisguised
And the tongue untwists as I speak the truth,
Fearful still, with twisting in my gut,
Yet not paralyzed—and able to move and speak
And see and hear and say,
While fearful still, but head held high,
The truth speaks for itself--
Speaks for itself, with God nigh.
©LF Haynie, August 1, 2019
Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.
Deuteronomy 31:6 [KJV]