Misery. All the thoughts around divorce. The carefulness with which I thought about getting one. The carelessness with which John and I treated our marriage for years before I considered divorce. The work I had put into reconciliation in the last two years.
Microsoft Excel warns you if you try to insert a circular function (one whose solution includes itself in the formula). Why doesn't life have a warning against circular reasoning?
I read the Bible, trying to gain clarification for my thoughts. Matthew 19:3-9 indicates that divorce should not be an easy step. The emotional intertwining of two hearts, for however brief a time, is hard to break. Add a child into the mix, and it has become three cords. Add decades to that relationship, however strife-filled, and the cord becomes a thick rope. The Mosaic Law indicates that it should be undertaken only for the most serious of reasons.
I read Matthew Henry's commentary on that passage. "Matrimonial cases have been numerous, and sometimes intricate and perplexed; made so not by the law of God, but by the lusts and follies of men; and often in these cases people resolve [to divorce], before they ask, what they will do."
"Message: Solo" suggested that the Scripture is not actually just about divorce of a marriage, but separating oneself in fellowship from God, the church, relationships, friendships, and so forth. It suggested that the passage is actually warning against hard-heartedness in any form.
A web search brought up this thought: despite all that we, as followers of Christ, do to commit spiritual adultery against God, through sin, neglect, idolatry, and apathy, God does not forsake us. His heart is always to forgive and reconcile us.
In the end, I think it boils down to heart. Where is my heart? Am I happy to be in this marriage? (Back to square one. I see that this could be an endless loop.)
Sometimes the only way out is to take a step forward.