One thing I've always regretted is that I'm not pretty. I never have been. At one time, I had youth on my side. Now, not even that. What age hasn't done, The wreckage of time, I did to myself. I added pound after pound Keeping up with someone whose eating habits Were those of a teenage boy. He didn't like it if I didn't eat. Then pound attracted pound as I was overwhelmed With long hours at work With long hours studying to better myself With long hours trying to make him feel okay With who he was And being who he wanted me to be And fatigue overcame the desire to be even mildly pretty And the knowledge that I wasn't who he wanted me to be Weighed heavily Adding even more weight Then pound multiplied pound with the new life inside And a precarious pregnancy Forbade even mild exercise. Adding even more weight to my shoulders | Afterward, pound attracted pound in a vain attempt to exercise As the exercise schedule didn't fit with his schedule, And every attempt to go met with resistance Even to exercise at home was taboo As delicate electronics were far more valuable Than my health. And eating healthily was wrong, Feeding his fears of death Fostered by the death of his father And the food kept comforting me. And it didn't tell me I was imperfect. Or how I could be better looking If only I did this or that. And pound multiplied pound on top of pound As I realized he didn't want me And later, even more so In fear that he would. A circular defeat In a crumbling marriage. And pound added exponentially Pound to the power of pound Avoirdupois All to pretend that the problem was the fat and not that I knew from the start ... All to cover the fact that I wasn't worthwhile That I knew from the start that I was not who he wanted me to be. That I wasn't beautiful. |
1 Comment
Diane Ellor
6/21/2014 07:35:55 am
What a lovely poem, bravely and beautifully written.
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